Chapter 1: Visita Interiora Terrae Rectificando Invenies Occultum Lapidem
I had finally cracked. I opened my eyes. “It’s dark in here” I hear myself say. Only the words don’t come out of my mouth anymore. I know where I am. I am inside. She is outside. She is as upset as I am. She is realizing she’s been gone for 8 years and I am realizing I lost control of the system. She has control over the body and now I am merely a consciousness in her head. I watch her scan our memories and chose the name Tris to replace Alice, her previous name.
“Great, I’m trapped inside…. I fell pretty far down the ladder this time I guess.” I think to myself. It doesn’t take me long to realize the longer you are inside the more dream like everything seems. Constantly shifting realities. Sometimes you are here, watching, observing, or conversing with the other host or arguing with the host. Sometimes you are on Mars where there’s two moons having orgies. I am still in the void, black abyss, the noweher place inside my mind. So I imagine a red chaise lounge and it appears. I lay down. This body will rest here in the mental realm, Tris will have the outer body and my consciousness will dream in the astral. It is basic inception.
Before I fall asleep on my perfect velvety lounge which smells like it’s been pulled from Victorian 1800’s, I see the events flash before my eyes. I don’t know what to think. My mind won’t stop rationalizing whether my husband is mind controlled and working against me. My mother double crossed me and convinced him to serve me with a protection order. Was he my handler or was he my true love? My head was exploding. From the outside perspective this looked a lot like a typical MK Ultra breakdown: Girl goes crazy, has no memory of threatening her husband, was sober, tries to commit suicide and wakes up in her dissociated head with a new (old) personality running the show. I can’t figure out if he’s holding me back from what I want to do, being my handler or both. Or whether he’s my true love and they’re trying to isolate us to be more useful. We experience this a lot actually. I’ve been with him since high school and I’ve played out this story before. Even when we hate him, even when he rips our hearts out over and over and heals it all over again, we will never leave him. Love is weird like that. In the end I always realize, no matter what I am, love has taught me more than anything. All I have learned about the universe and life I have learned through love.
My mind flashes back to the week before and wonders if our experience had anything to do with him being so terrified of me. We practice sex-magick. During one experience we became literally fused together and I shapeshifted into a dragon, he was still human. The whole room was this blazing white as bright as a star. You could have seen it from outer space. In scientific terms you could say we created a singularity. Both fields collapsed to form one unified field. The ouroboros. It was the most magickal thing I’ve ever experienced and since I am an orgone engineer and have control over weather, it tops the charts of any magick I could remember.
Well, as you can imagine the first time this happened he got really scared and we dropped back down to Earth, but the second time he looked at me, and he was unafraid. He made love to me anyways. He later admitted he thought the first time it happened I might literally eat him or something, though I have no desire to eat humans since I have learned better ways of achieving the same thing. Love is all you need. I realize there is a large number of our kind who eat humans, especially young children and it’s absolutely primitive. I not know through our soul mate love connection we open portals when we make love and can stay climaxed at the same time. It’s also known as bi-location.
I didn’t make the connection until after it happened. Sometimes there have been references such as in True Blood where shapeshifters describe how at first it feels like an orgasm. I suppose the television version is veiled for obvious reasons but it is during most intense orgasms, when my kundalini energy current flows, the 93 current, that my physical form destabilized and I was a dragon underneath the skin in that moment. Because of my time inside I never panic when this happens. I wake up in different bodies all the time. I’m also pretty sure my consciousness has been hijacked a bunch for black ops because I have a done a lot of them. Some people call those MK Ultra astral abductions. That’s the cool thing about fractured consciousness’s, you see: one personality is operating the outside body, the other alters are free to be hijacked and other crazy technical operations. This is why I began making orgone to prevent these situations but sometimes they happen anyways. Sometimes their tech is just too damned advanced for me. I think some of these other realms and worlds are being mined out in a lot of ways, colonized, complete with prostitutes who are hijacked, incepted consciousness. Targeted individuals experience this and worse which typically drives them to madness. I feel more sane as a mad person than I ever felt before. I was at this point 100% sure it was the world which was insane and not questioning things. I have journeyed through the inside and I know how the human brain works. It will try to block out traumatic things, it is programmed to react unless you learn to override it.
There is also another astral type of simulation that ultra subjects experience and that is astral training. If you become a lucid dreamer at any point in your life you will probably experience these staged dream scenarios or astral training simulations. When I was younger I found myself at a carnival or fair, as a younger person I enjoyed this. I rode rides and played games. After visiting in many dreams I began to wonder, what else was there?
I found myself trying to find the way out. I saw a beach, it looked familiar and was a copy of a beach amusement park I had been to many times growing up. I found my way out, went to the beach and I found my family. I got there and one of my daughters was missing. I went to search for her and I found a poolhouse. I went in hoping I would not find her, I walked by the pool and my earring fell out. As I have gauges there was no other choice but to dive for it. I knew the pool was deeper than I could hold my breath but I dove anyways. I went all the way down, got my earring back, and tried to take a breath at the bottom of the pool. And then I remembered. I could breath underwater. I came back up, my whole family was there, no one was missing and we had cake.
Dreams are like reality. When you search for more, you always find it.
Most people would rather believe I am crazy and that these things aren’t happening but they are. You can believe I am crazy, but the matrix has you. You can’t remember what you are supposed to forget. Like a dream. You keep taking the blue pill and ending up in your bed.
Now, I have spent many years researching, and more time than I’d ever admit reading and listening to lectures, documentaries. There are a lot of “gurus” who claim to have all the answers, or seem to. At first. Sometimes I’d be like “YES! Finally someone who gets it!” Then the next thing that happens is they try to explain “evil” reptilians and mind control and many things that matter on a deep level, but almost 100% of the time they lose me talking about “evil reptilians.” Some even claim all reptilians should be killed, or to quote a friend of mine (who does not know about me) “The only good reptilian is a dead one.” I am what I am but I don’t have to be evil. That is a choice, and on the contrary, atrocities have been committed by many humans and I do not say humanity is evil. I’m not going to try to convince you I have all the answers, I am going to give you my experience. All I have ever done is to try to understand my experience, and see how it compares with others. Now this is all for you to try to make sense of. Sometimes I find single minded people the biggest threat of all. They deny my existence, they call us crazy, possessed, they want to drug us, or EMDR us, or hypnotherapy us to try to make us fit back into their single minded model of “perfection.” It is almost as though our very existence, that of multiples, multiple consciousness – one body is a threat to them for some reason.
I open my eyes. I run my fingers along the hand beaded fringe of the red velvet chaise lounge. I look at my hands, no rings. On my arms, a few of my tattoos but not all of them. My Isis armband is still tattooed around my right arm. She has blond hair and red, green and purple wings. Her bottom half is snake scales. I think to myself, “all I have to do now is grow wings.” I smile. I’ll find my way out of the abyss tomorrow, for now I need to recharge my drained mind.
I don’t even feel my eyes shut, being so drained I had no time to project myself to a desired place. This is Level Three of inception, the astral layer. The hardest part is remembering to stay creative so they don’t get you. You are wondering “so WHO doesn’t get you?” If matrix agents get you, you don’t remember what you “dreampt” or experienced, you are jilted back to your body’s last inception point. No lessons learned. They can also hijack your consciousness for black operations and missions using clone bodies and empty bodies. Some work with the secret governments, some are freelance. Anyone can figure this out if they want to. They’re magicians, we’re magicians. Every one of us is responsible for the karma from the things we do and things we have done. I try to keep that in mind with every decision I make.
As it is, I am running again. It’s a dirt road with a lot of rocks. They hurt my feet. There’s a field on the left and woods on the right. There’s a village or town ahead. I decide to sprint to the town. I know they are not far behind. They are always after me. At the village there might be people to talk to, and they hate it when I do that. The people in level three think their life is as real as the people on level one do. They work all day and grow food and don’t question the nature of reality or their life. I see people in the field, they are picking crops. It must be late summer, early fall. It’s still a million degrees in the sun running. They watch me and I can hear them wondering where I came from. They are curious about my clothes. I stop for a second. I’m soaked in sweat, and I’m wearing little black yoga shorts and a black tank top. My long blonde hair is pulled back into a tight French braid. Unfortunately I am also barefoot which would account for why my feet hurt. “Okay, I need to fix a few things….” I imagine a brown leather backpack on my back, filled with boots, socks, a lighter, cigarettes, weed, my favorite bong (with non spillable water), my wallet with a credit card, and a strawberry lemonade.
I pull the backpack off my back, and take out the boots and socks. I find my desert tan military boots, and rainbow toe socks. My mind has a sense of humor. I wiggle my toes into the socks and boots and hike off to the right side where the woods start. I pull out the pot and pack a bowl. I grab the strawberry lemonade, and instantly swallow about half of it. I smoke the bowl and watch the people in the field. After a few puffs I put it out and smoke a cigarette. Nothing like a cigarette after a nice hot bowl on a super hot day. I relax for those few minutes. Sometimes the five minutes of smoking a cigarette is the only peace there is, even inside. I wonder where/when I am. I take note of what people are wearing. The women have long skirts and dresses, they look hand made. The men are topless, but they wear leather belts around baggy pants and everyone seems to have leather shoes. I’m not sure where or when I am, but I appear to still be in my body. At least there’s that. When you transport as consciousness, time is fluid. My guess, early middle ages, Europe. I put the cigarette butt in my bag (I hate litter!) and put my stuff away. I slide it back on. I begin a steady pace to the village.
The agents havn’t caught up yet. I wonder what I’m doing here. Running, running, running… almost there. My boots are far easier to run in and I’m feeling recharged for whatever is to come. There is a stone arch over the main road entrance into the village. I begin walking and looking around. There is a young man skinning fish and hanging them, a vegetable stand with a young girl. I hear someone crying. I look around. I follow the sound, running down dirt streets and corridors. I finally arrive at a little girl and her mother. The mother is dirty and trying to console her daughter.
“What is wrong” I ask.
“She is hungry and my husband died, we have no silver and no coppers.” She said to me softly, and her eyes seemed as clear blue as a seascape.
I closed my eyes, put my hands behind my back. Feeling the magnetic dirt beneath me, and the radiant sun above me I pushed the current into my hands. I heat and grow a perfect sphere in my hands. My right hand presents her a golden ball. “Here” I ushered to her.
“HOW did you do that!” She gasped and grabbed it, admiring and astonished, but looking at me frightened.
“What you think is your world is only one stream of light being focused through a diamond facet. Do you understand? Everyone’s sight is limited to a certain fragment of the light spectrum, but some people can see and experience more than others. You can expand your sight, your consciousness, and your experience! In fact, YOU my lady, are made up of empty atoms that only seem solid but you are star-light! You are light, focused, through a facet of a diamond, but there are many many other facets and streams of light, you must only realize the truth. Do you understand!?”
“Not entirely, my lady.” She said sadly.
“This world is one of infinite. God is within you. Find it.” And with that I walked off. I knew the agents would be all over this. They don’t like it when you mess up other worlds by telling the people the truth. They will sense my use of the current no doubt. I have to leave this place. I close my eyes grab the straps of my backpack, and absorb myself in the fabric of space time. Everything goes white.
I open my eyes again and I’m in the dark. It’s so dark. There are no lights only a dark long hall. I start running again. It’s thick down here, I assume I’m down underground somewhere because the air is musty and it’s dark. It smells like a cellar. This isn’t the kind of place you walk through like Scooby Doo exploring. My eyes are already adjusting to the darkness and I can tell the walls in the hall are made of cold damp stones. I’m still running with my hands in front of me defensively, I think I see something ahead. I keep the same pace as to not run out of breath. Left, right, left, right, one step, after another. . . further and further. I realize I could manifest a flashlight but I don’t want to stop to think and focus, who knows what’s down here. I’m almost there, I think it’s the end of the tunnel. . .
I run right up to a big wooden door with iron hinges. My hands stop me from running into it. No time to think about it, no turning back, I swing open the door.
I enter a room. It’s mostly all dark, I can’t see much toward the corners. I notice a stone window, maybe 6 inches wide and a foot tall. This seemed like a dungeon.
I slowly inch around the room in the darkness when I stop dead in my tracks.
“I want to die,” Came from a small voice of a dirty, dark child in the corner in front of me. Her eyes looked black, and she was naked. She just sat there with her arms around her knees staring at me. My fear throttle hit the ceiling and I closed my eyes in defense.
When I looked again I was back on my chaise lounge with my own black abyss surrounding me. Even when you are trapped inside, sleep is not restful. “The thing about insomnia is you are never really asleep and you are never really awake.”
I relax again, feel my eye lids fall down. Its kaleidoscopic in here. I begin to see the tunnel. It’s far away but it’s getting closer. I feel it catch up to me. I tell myself I’m the silver surfer and I ride the rainbow wormhole for a while. Suddenly my eyes open and I’m on a type of sectional couch from the future. Kissing me is a dry-scaly human-dragon monster with cute little horns. My soul recognizes it as my husband from my regular life. I grab his face to pull him in and my hands are powder blue. My nails are blue OH MY GOD my skin is BLUE. I kiss him for a moment and casually look down, oh my universe, I’m naked and ALL blue. My freaking nipples are stormy blue like an an angry ocean sky. I try to flip my hair to see it, and a ponytail of cobalt blue hair flips on my shoulders.
(If that is your image please let me know and I will credit you)
I feel more hands on my back, too many hands. A kiss on my neck, my eyes widen. I twist my head around to find a man my soul recognizes as someone else I know. He is in the same type of body as my husband. They are both definitely brown dragon creatures with little horns. I decide this is pretty awesome and wrap one arm around each of them bringing them into me. This is what Katy Perry’s ET video should have looked like. Four claw like hands twist and bend and caress my body for hours. Their tongues lick my ears to my toes. I’m a little afraid I might actually get torn in half but I don’t care because this is bliss. My husband bites one side of my pale neck and his friend, the other. I scream out of pleasure as I watch them not letting a single drop of blood escape. I fall into my husband’s arms, blink, I see my normal body having sex with husband in my room back on Earth. It’s beautiful and then I realize Tris is sleeping with my husband. Blink again. I’m back with dragons. This is overwheleming. Blink again…..
I open my eyes again. I’m back on Earth. I see Justin. He can tell I’m confused.
“Are you okay?”
I know I still hate him right now. I look at my computer. It’s June. … JUNE?! I’ve been gone over A MONTH!?.
Getting overwhelmed is bad for me, that’s when I switch out. And if I am here it means Tris left, and if I switch out then the scary part comes back.We have to avoid that so that I don’t get kicked out of the house again. I take a deep breath.
Justin informs me my other personality has been coloring. He sows me pictures that have been colored in great detail. He says she’s reorganized the closet and house, and has been making videos. Oh, and she’s informed everyone we are some kind of schizo -dissociate hot mess via fucking facebook.
…..how do I even damage control this. My orgone business is all messed up and Tris took my investment money shopping. This is great. And there are videos of her admitting the awful shit we’ve been through. On youtube. I’m forever going to be remembered as the sexually abused girl again. This is my nightmare.
I start sleeping a lot. I can’t sleep at night. The night is dark and full of terrors. Literally. I’m convinced people’s memories get stolen at night by men in black and dark agents, plus I hear voices constantly ever since I started taking monoatomic gold. I hear people’s thoughts, and voices of beings I have to use ciphers to identify. All this keeps me up at night. I check on my kids. Because I have noticed glitches in my own matrix of life. I go get coffee, I see my daughter sleeping in her bed. I come back down and check again. This time she’s sitting in bed, she’s playing with dolls. She claims she’s been doing it for hours. Which one was correct? Am I completely insane? Either way I can’t sleep.
Then the targeting starts happening during the day too. I think it has something to do with the aircraft that fly constantly over my house and black helicopters. Sometimes you can see them sometimes not, but you can hear the heavy vibration of them being so close. I constantly think my family would be better off without me here anymore. I start getting trapped in my sleep. I can’t wake up. I almost die a few times, I start waking up screaming and asphyxiating in terror. I can remember knowing it was dream and not being able to get out. At the same time I’m fighting off letting my other personalities take over. I get mind splitting headaches. It literally feels like I could be about to have an aneurysm, my reiki knowledge helps so little it’s futile. I start taking glutamic acid. In my monarch studies I found out supersoldiers use it to merge personalities and have access to each other’s memories, it was said it would take the pain out of switching and could be helpful in merging all the splits back together. Since that was exactly what I wanted, I wanted to be healed I started using it as I needed it. I had no idea merging us together might create something else out of us entirely. The headaches mostly subsided to once a week or less. I feel like I’ve been downing at the bottom of a pool for months.
I ask my friend Kyle what to do about the dream entrapment. He’s an admin in a group I started right before my breakdown. Our group centered around Hollow Earth Theory and Vril when we started, but I changed the group name later because I realized the black sun work I did in my past life was evil as fuck. So now instead of Vrilerinnen and Ubermensch we are Star Children Hacking the Matrix. Kyle is a smart magician finishing up college. Sometimes I wish I had his life because he can research objectively without being directly involved with it. He is a amazing man and friend because he watches my crazy life and never gets scared and leaves. I’ve watched plenty of people get too close and run away. He never does. Kyle says remember to blink. I carve the idea of blinking out into my brain. I’m ready for the next one. But instead I get another mind maize.
I’m in the center of somewhere. I look like Laura Croft but blond. I’m wearing these rugged black skinny jeans, my converse style twinkle toes and and black tanktop. I’ve got my backpack. I look in every direction and it’s the same. There’s a ball statue where I am in the center. I decide to try to find the end of this and start making 90 degree turns in this underground maze. I picked a random direction because I figured I had to start somewhere. You go straight and right and then there’s a left or right you can take. I continued making the same right angles trying to get to the end. I reach a wall. A dead end. I make a literal 90 degree angle by walking on the wall upward which seemed to house the second level of the maze. So suddenly the floor was the ceiling? I continued this mirror with the angles til I reached the other side’s wall. This time I found a door. I went through it and I was in the ocean. I’m swimming. There are fish and mermaids but I am not one of them today. I can breath underwater so this is very fun. I’m happy I picked a leather backpack because I love to find treasure. After I pick up some gold and treasures from the sea bottom I try to find the edge of this map too. I start swimming for … some edge? I swim for …. ever. I swim toward a black abyss. The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure that you seek. I swim in. Everything is black. I swim on. Black…. I can’t tell…. where I am. Everything is black and I push forward.
No seriously I was in space. I did not notice a body per se, but I felt as though I was swimming through space. It was beautiful AND amazing. I swam in these clouds of color and watched stars go by and I seemed separate yet connected to all of it at the same time. This was the essence of magic that exists within us and I was sure of it. I saw ahead of me, or rather my vision focused on what was happening around me. Portals or wormholes. And these lights flying through them. The sun was a portal and the other spheres were too. I made my way to the closest one and closed my eyes as the gravity of my will pulled me into it.
I opened my eyes again and this time I was REALLY surprised.
I was underneath the pyramid of Giza and I came out of the Nile water which flows underneath and up to the ocean, I recognized where I was from a previous past life meditation I did years ago. And so I found my way up. All the walls that are blocked off right now I simply walked through. And there I was, back at last. Home, according to a long lost past life. Egypt. I breathed in the hot air along with the sand. I felt the sun on my face. But it was different now. I could see the present city of Cairo from the plateau. Or at least where I was standing from the top of the pyramid. Which is of course the first thing I did when I got there.
After I enjoyed the amazingness of having made to the Pyramids at last, but sadly alone… I wanted to see where else this maze went.
I jumped back into the water, followed back into space, back to the labyrinth, and decided to try another direction. This time after the 90 degree turns, when I went up I started looking for trap door or hidden entrances because I started noticing weird architecture.
Symbols on walls and sculptures and I have spent a long time decoding them. I found one that looked similar this:
And when I touched the symbol and thought of what it reminded me of I suddenly arrived at Stonehenge.
Now, I’m standing here in the middle of Stonehenge, and I’m feeling like Casey in Tomorrowland. Like Ive got a magick pin that takes me somewhere amazing but it’s only in my mind.
I sit down as the sun is just setting, and it’s a little chilly but I don’t care. I pull off my backpack. I smoke about 5 bongs to my face and lay down in the grass.
I’m thinking about the universe and how maybe I am just a glitch in the matrix. Maybe in giving up ego we give up separateness to some extent, and we become everything. We become an perfect expression of nature itself. I’m thinking about how sacred geometry and sacred sigils can be used to teleport, astral project, transform, transmute, and mathematically explore the concept or life, death, space, time and reality.
I decide I remember I have a family. I want to bring them some of this treasure I found and put in my tardis-like backpack. I decide to try some new teleportation ideas. I draw the symbol that took me here on my hand with a sharpie I pulled out of my backpack. I think of the emotional anchor between myself and my house and my family. I put my hands on the stones around me to draw energy. I close my eyes like Kyle said.
And I’m home. I see my daughters and I run up to them. I hug them a lot.
I see Justin, I tell him I’m sorry I’ve been gone so long. I pull off my backpack and scoop out a pile of gold coins I found at the bottom of the ocean. I give Emily a beautiful crown I found in a sunken chest. I give Ally an amazing jewel embellished necklace I also found in the same chest. I tell them I can’t stay long as I knew there had been agents perusing me since I started stealing treasure. I give Justin a golden chalice. I hug them all, and I take off again. I go out back, I walk down to the river. I look around and wonder if I miss my old life. I fix the sigil on my hand and place my hand on the Earth. I draw the energy and I focus on being back in the maze.
I’m back. Same circle statue in the middle of level one. I hear scary noises darting up the halls toward me. Crap here they come. I run. I didn’t pay attention to what direction I picked this time. I just ran down the halls of stone. I want to stop to try to blink out but I can’t stop yet. I run 90 degrees up to level two. I hide for a minute to try to blink out. I try but I cant focus on where to go or what to do. I’m panicked.
I open my eyes and Justin’s shaking me.
“Thank …. …. …. you!” I managed to sputter.
“You’ve been asleep for 14 hours, we thought we’d try to wake you up.” Justin looked at me up and down as if he was trying to decide how much worse I could get.
“I was…. trapped again. I couldn’t wake up. But I had the most amazing dream this time!” I looked up at him ashamed I was asleep so long and sad I couldn’t find the energy to be alive in the real world.
He hugged me, my kids hugged me. And I wrote down my dream. I realized stealing treasure from inner earth is frowned upon. I realized I wanted to explore all these places for real. And I realized the journey was only just beginning.
Unfortunately in the coming weeks what is now known as #pizzagate began to fill the news headlines and alt media of the internet, and as America was about to vote one of two pedophiles running for office as POTUS, I began seriously losing my shit as women started coming forward talking about rape culture under Trump and what it’s like to live as a rape or pizzagate survivor in this New America. I discovered the truth about my past and under the spotlight of the world had to deal with all of it, which I did not do very gracefully. Fortunately with some help I think I finally have my head above water, but that’s a story for chapter two and how I had to leave my OTO lodge and go off on my own magickal adventures.